


Holding the Moon in Their Hands

by roguefaerie (samidha)



Series: Reconcilliation (Reaper Jessica Moore) [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Jessica Moore, Bisexuality, Dean Has Powers, Happy Ending, Jessica Moore Lives, Jessica Moore has Powers, Mind Meld, Multi, Other, Past Relationships, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Psychic Abilities, Psychic Bond, Reaper Jessica Moore, Sam Has Powers, Soul Bond, Spirit Guide Jessica Moore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-02-24 09:38:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/roguefaerie
Summary: Reconciliation Book 4. Sam-POV. The mind meld between himself, Dean and Jess has created some messes, and it's going to be up to Sam to do his part to clean them up.Book 1 is now complete. The outtake/related side story turned into its own...thing. lol. Book 2 or 1.5 is called A Skip in Time and is being written now.Each book takes place in its corresponding season but is loosely tied to canon events.Book 1: Definition of Hearts (Sam POV)Book 2: Family Is (Jess POV)Book 3: How Hard it Rains (Dean POV)Book 4: Holding the Moon in Their Hands (Sam POV)Feel free to not continue past this point, as the stuff in short stories after this is noodling with aftereffects of this, and is like AU optional reading.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Complete!
> 
> Here is the last playlist. Eventually the playlists will be combined into one big one. Here is book 4
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/121274586/playlist/6LsPwyQrlkTOPsgWgUYWe4?si=JGuEnp-sQuuuc3JG9_qTZg

Dean comes crashing back out of his dream, and Sam can feel the shaking-apart of Dean’s insides, as if all the pieces are his own. 

His heart catches in his throat when Dean reaches for him, and he calls for Jess silently. 

_Here_ , her whispered response comes to his ears.

He doesn’t reply. He can’t. He just has to enfold Dean again and try to breathe through the onslaught.

 _I’ve got you_ , Jess keeps talking, loud enough that he knows Dean can hear. _Got you both._

“I’ll-- I’ll never-- Be able to do it--” Dean is saying, “Sammy, I’m not, she can’t, she’s stuck, they’ve got her and I can’t…”

Sam holds tight to Dean. He’ll hold him for as long as he can, as long as Dean will let him.

 _Making it sound like an opportunity, Winchester_ , a voice sneers in his head, a voice he doesn’t even recognize. _Having fun with your mess?_

No. No. He is not. 

Part of him could have guessed this might happen if the walls came down. If Dean really got caught up in what type of person Sam was, even more than he already was.

 _I’ve got you both_ , Jess is still saying.

Sam wraps Dean gently in sheets and motel-thin blankets. 

They don’t say anything, but Sam thinks quietly to himself he may not deserve it but he’ll be forgiven for this, one day.

Forgiven for how his heart has always stretched too far and wide, and how he’d never been able to erect the boundaries other people had, not in the ways that would have stopped something like this.

The allure of studying law had promised him rules and regulations that could hold the bursting pieces of him together, even if only barely.

To get there, he had begun the web of lies that would ultimately cost him Jessica, landing him here.

When it comes down to it, he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. He doesn’t deserve to have Jessica’s gentle voice in his ear, much less shoring up the dark corners of his mind.

He squeezes Dean tighter and whispers, “We’ve got you. We’ve got this. I’m sorry, Dean.”

“I’ve never deserved her, Sam,” Dean says through a ruined throat. “It was…”

“It was all right,” Sam says softly. “If she’s still with us….She’s still with us, Dean.”

“She’s unhappy. Sammy. Sammy. She’s unhappy.”

“We all are, Dean. But I’ve got you. We’ll get her home.”

*~*~*

Sam is the one who calls Bobby. Dean is staring at a wall, and he’s still got things to say through the bond, but he hasn’t talked out loud yet on the day that Sam finally makes the call.

“I was wonderin’ when you boys’d admit you didn’t know your ass from your elbow on this one,” Bobby said. “Listen, I’m not gonna say I told you so, I just assume Dean’s a mess.”

“Yeah.”

“You can see everything on that boy’s face.”

Sam scoffs and smiles a little. “Yeah, Bobby, I know.”

“I’ll keep my ear to the ground, Sam. You two just don’t do anything _else_ ridiculous, y’hear?”

“Yeah, Bobby.”

“You two managed to dodged several bullets and I think ya better keep on bein’ careful. For her sake if nothin’ else.”

Sam sighs. “Yeah. Sorry, Bobby.”

“Heart wants what it wants, kid.”

“It does.”

“If she thinks there’s a way, you’ll find it. I’ll help how I can. If I can.”

“Thanks.”

“Keep Dean in one piece.”

“I’ll try.”

Bobby clicks off the line without either of them saying they’re not sure if it’ll work.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean stays behind while Sam goes to get them food he can bring back to the room.

When he’s out in the open, the wind picks up a little and Jessica’s thought-voice is there with him.

 _I love you, Sam,_ , she whispers through him. _I’m right here._

“I know you are,” he says, tired. “We...we feel you, Jess, it’s just Dean’s really worried now. Are you okay?”

 _Sam…._ She pauses and he knows she’s unsure what to say next. _It’s just… People burn out here. They wouldn’t tell you that. If you just talked to the spirits, they don’t really warn you. But seeing all this death, you know, *causing* all this death? I think it can wear anyone down._

“He sensed it from you,” Sam says quietly.

 _Dean’s got more skill than he even knows what to do with,_ Jess says. _We both know that. He senses so much. He stuffs a lot of it deep inside. But Sam.. I…_

“You love him. And he loves you.”

“I do. He does. It’s… I’ve gotta tell him. It’s as strong as anything. The way I loved Natalie...I love him now.”

Sam smiles. “Ah, our lost loves. The ones who almost kept us from sticking together at all.”

Jessica laughs softly. _Not knowing what to do because we just wanted to have a huge family where no one was left out in the cold._

“Yeah. Well, I mean, not everyone knows how to share, and that’s fine.”

 _If I hadn’t seen proof I never would have guessed you’d share well,_ Sam Winchester,” Jessica teases.

“He’s doing better… Or… he…”

_He is. He will. It...it went to hell a little, Sam, but….holding him? I knew._

“We’ll get you home to him, Jessica.”

_And you. Please, Sam. Stay mine._

“Always, Jess. We’ll get you exactly where you need to be. There’s a way. I know there is.”

_Sam?_

“Jess….I’m sorry. I’m sorry I underestimated you. You’ve been...amazing. This whole time. I should have been honest. I…”

_I know it all, now, Sam. That’s the gift they gave me. And when I get home to you… I will hunt with bells on. But Sam?_

“Hm?”

_Just tell him, sweetheart. Let him see how much you loved all of us, even the ones who walked away. How much you loved Greg. You need to tell him. You don’t have to even do it in words. I know Dean, baby, and all he wants in the world is for you to be all right, for you to be loved._

“Yeah,” Sam says, uncertain. 

_I’ve got you, Sam. Always._

His heart thuds in his throat and a thin mist comes over his vision.

“I love you, Jess.”

The love from her end of the bond floods his senses, so intense it almost bowls him over.

With a love like that, they can do anything.

And the first thing Sam will do is tell Dean. Everything.


	3. Chapter 3

The days of Dean hiding from the world and staring at nothing slowly become fewer and fewer. He snaps out of it and back into hunter mode, though it took longer for that to happen than at other times.

There’s tension in the air between Sam and Dean, but the kind of tension that knows it is about to break.

“Uh, Dean,” Sam says one day when they’re sitting on separate beds, because if he’s going to tell--all this--he needs some space.

“Dean, I just…”

He doesn’t want to say any of it in words. Words don’t mean much when what they represent is a torrent of feelings. Especially these days.

“Dean?” Sam asks, “Will you...um...help me tell you something?”

Jessica draws closer to both of them. _It’s all there, Dean. Just look at it._

Dean blinks. “Uh, yeah. One sec. Hey. This is okay with you, Sammy? Jess?”

 _It’s okay, sweetheart_ , Jessica whispers and all three of them feel Dean’s butterflies. _It’s sort of about...things you should know._

Sam feels the weight of Dean’s consciousness settling near him, and thinks of a thousand comfortable silences they’ve had in motel rooms. 

Dean leans back untiil he’s lying flat on his bed, closes his eyes, and zeroes in. Sam feels that too, and can even hear the gentle taps of Dean’s thoughts along the bond.

_Something Sammy’s scared to tell me. This is that thing. Come on, Dean, take it like a…_

Sam closes his eyes, shaking a little bit. And he feels Dean sink deeper and deeper into his thoughts and memories.

*~*~*

They are both there. Walking together in a place Dean never physically was, though Sam always had him at the back of his head, a commentary on everything.

The sun is shining through the leaves all around them, and when Sam becomes visible a bunch of college age kids get up and start crossing the quad to him. One person starts out slow and then breaks into a run. His dark skirt billows around his legs as he speeds up.

“Greg!” Sam calls. He wasn’t exactly expecting to be catapulted into this memory, but he knows what’s going to happen now that he’s here.

Greg keeps running, and pulls Sam into a hug, then a deep kiss. Sam’s heart beats as fast as it ever did when Greg held him. He doesn’t hold back. This is the past, and it will never come again.

From behind Greg, Jessica shyly steps forward. Greg and Sam break the kiss and Sam pulls Jessica into his arms. “Hey,” he whispers. She nestles into place against him and Sam takes one of each of their hands in his.

The memory dissolves as quickly as it came and resolves into another at the same speed.

Greg, Jessica, Sam and another woman are sitting around a table. The woman is antsy and says with deliberate irony, “Family meeting.”

Jess takes her hand and squeezes it. “It’ll be okay, Nat.”

No one in the room is really sure it will, but Jess says the words.

The memory dissolves.

They are sitting in what Dean never imagined as Sam’s dorm room. It is bare and shows how little Sam ever brought with him here. It is not somewhere that most people would want to live.

Jessica is sitting beside Sam on his bed, crying her eyes out. “Sam. I loved her. I don’t understand. I thought we were a family. They just…. Left. They left us.”

“Went their separate ways,” Sam said. “I’ve got you, Jess. You and I--if you want--we’re still family. We could still be family.. You and me. And if we want a bigger one, we can build it.” Sam clears his throat. “Will you stay?”

“Not going anywhere,” Jessica says, wiping her eyes. “That’s not what I do.”

“Me either. Well… Me either.”

She laughs a little, sad. “Sometimes you do, but only when you really have to, Sam. We’ll build our family again. It’ll be great. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Jess.”

Sam and Dean catapult out of the memories. The thought stream ends there.

Dean blinks a few times. “Whoa, Sammy. You aren’t bad at playin’ the field, are ya?”

“Dean.”

“So….”

“So. We’re polyamorous.”

“That’s the word.”

“And, I mean, I…. If we can get Jess home…. Dean, you know I’d give you the world. These four years….”

“Nice paint job you had on those memories, by the way, I never found ‘em.”

“They were private.”

“Yeah. Well. Anyway, Sam, you know I feel the same way. And I don’t want you giving me something that…. In the end it might end up hurting you. Sammy, are you okay with this? Are you really okay with this?”

“Yeah, Dean. I am.”

“Good, Sam. And hey, listen. Your boyfriend there, he was kinda a hottie. But if he thought the best thing he could do was run away from you…. Then he wasn’t enough. And that’s it.”

“Things I never thought I’d hear my brother say for 1,000, Alex….”

Dean chuckles. “Hey. It’s not like I’ve never bumped uglies with the wrong guy.”

Sam laughs. “I...don’t know if I wanna know.”

“First time, twelfth grade, his name was Scott, we were leaving though.”

“We were always leaving. I wanted a home, Dean. I wanted a family.”

“Hey, Sammy. I know.”

“This is weird, but maybe I have that here.”

“A great, big, polyamorous family,” Dean says.

“This...went better than I expected.”

“Hey. I know you, kid. Just ‘cause I’m not a walkin’ dictionary doesn’t mean I don’t know you.”

“You think Bobby thinks it’s weird?”

Dean laughs. “Which part? Who cares? Sam, he knows she saved our lives back there. He’d deal with it. “Let’s just get her home.”

“Let’s just get her home.”


	4. Chapter 4

The heart wants what it wants. Sam reminds himself of that when he allows himself to sink into the love and joy of the bond. It was something so cherished by him, and he had tried not to let it bring Dean any pain. Still, their universe was far from perfect, and they would have to work with what they had. And sure, everything about this situation and their lives was unorthodox, but that had sort of been the point.

It would take time, but they could grow a family this way--they had. A family that didn’t bring them the kind of suffering they had always endured in the past.

“Sammy,” Dean says, “You could have told me. I’m not mad. I just want you to know. You could have told me and it would have been all right.”

Sam sighs.

The long mounting tension they’ve been dealing with had started to ease away in layers. It made Sam realize he’d done more harm than good by being quiet this time.

Still, there were ways that of course Dean could have found out, mind meld or no, and some elements of a life can remain personal and private.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I know you’ve been feeling...like I...screwed this up a lot.”

Dean’s face is open and telling as ever, and so he looks down and away from Sam. “Not exactly. It’s hard to explain, Sam. I could have guessed things, but I didn’t exactly, and well, either way….she’s...your girl and I--”

“Ours, Dean. Jess?”

The gentle words that come next are a familiar litany now. _I love you. Both of you._ And when she sends the torrent of unconditional love, they believe her.

*~*~*

_Boys_ , she says softly one afternoon when she's been uncharacteristically quiet. _You need to know something. I...might not remember everything when I…..I might start forgetting things._

They all feel Dean's heart speed up and his thoughts start crashing around. “Like…” He inhales sharply. “You gotta say more than that, Jess, you gotta give me more.”

, _It's just, I don't know what would happen. I don't know, Dean. The things I know now, they're a lot for the human mind; they're a lot to hold on to. Would you choose me if I forgot everything I learned up here? If I lost the whammy?_

“In a nanosecond. Over and over, Jess. I know you now. I want you here.”

_But if we couldn't do it, would you keep choosing this?_

“I choose this every day. Won't let you go, Jess. Neither will Sam.”

“Neither will I,” comes the refrain from Sam. “I never have and I never will. I've never been unfaithful.”

Emotions well up all around them and they realize with dawning clarity that Jess is reaching out for support. This time, their cushion of energy enfolds her, and it leaves each wondering if they can really hear her crying.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam can tell that now, as the idea of their commitment is solidifying for Jess, she's actually experiencing some lower emotions again.

 _It's getting closer. I'm getting closer._

They aren't sure how.

Should they call Bobby?

In the end they do, and he hems and haws. “You boys should know. With ya dodging all those bullets….I don't think you know how dangerous this world that is. I don't know if doing anything like this is anything approaching safe and I don't know if I can be a part of it.”

“Bobby, we're doing this. Hell, it's happening whether or not we even… It's just time.”

“Uh huh. I hear you. Alright. You boys just be careful.”

*~*~*

In the spaces of the universe that the Winchesters can't actually see, the ones that belong to those on the other side of the door so to speak, Jess floats. Her energy is encircled by and mingling with that of the angel Castiel. He is the one who has taken it upon himself to bring her from an environment turned toxic for into the arms of her family. He will also function in her stead. She floats slowly down, and as she does he comes closer and closer to his charges.

They do not speak of this as failure. If there's one thing that the other side has taught her, it is the nature of love.

The Impala shorts out in the middle of Texas. There are fields in every direction and the light that suddenly shines down a bit to the right makes the brown grass shine with luminescence. 

The light deposits her there as both men stare in awe. They throw the car doors wide and take off at a run. 

Dean gets to her first, gently testing her solidity. He steps back for a moment to let Sam enfold her.

They stand quietly together, barely moving, and when they finally pull away from each other Dean asks quietly, “How?”

“Dean, you have so many watching over you, it would be impossible to explain. Someone saw I was in pain and made it right.

“Who?”

“The angel. The angel Castiel. He was my only friend there, and Dean, he watches over you and Sam. He always has.”

“Angels are watching over you,” Sam whispers some of their mother's last words, and Dean drops to his knees.

Jess joins him, kneeling and wiping gently at his tears. “I love you. I'm here. I'm here.” And it has never been more true.

*~*~*

There are things she forgets, and things she will forever be gifted at. When Dean wants to add a little challenge to his life, they all just chuckle a bit as he heads to a bar or a munch. He knows what he wants and he knows where home is. 

When Jess is feeling settled enough she spends more time eyeing Sam's ring. 

“Is it time?”

But they know what she's going to say. Dean tries not to shake.

It will be when she can wear Dean’s ring too. 

She takes his hand and he squeezes until his knuckles are white. It hasn't been like this before anytime in his life.

No one has wanted him, not as family, not this much.

In the end the two rings nest together, smithed by a hunter they tell it is for protection against a curse.

They train Jess in everything she will need to know in the world she lives in, self defense and how to do proper hunts. She has test runs and passes with flying colors.

But what they really want is a home, a family, a life together.

And so they all but disappear, shaking off the hunter world like a bad dream. Theirs is a quiet place, and their minds are forever one, and peace is theirs at long last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series is a singular novel in 4 parts. It is dedicated to my polycule, but especially B., J. and D., who prompted me for it with: a grim reaper with PTSD. It is not without its issues but it is a gift that I wanted to give to them. Each part has a soundtrack and eventually in the next while I will make the whole soundtrack into one.


End file.
